Quietude

Dec 02

I’m just quietly letting Red Chemo do it’s thing.

Truth be told: it’s kind of kicking my butt.

But, if I feel like crap, then so do the cancer cells.  Mission accomplished!

I am dealing with a bunch of yucky symptoms that, when at their worst, add up to that feeling wherein it becomes necessary to sit down on the floor of the shower because standing in the shower simply requires far too much energy.  I don’t need to actually sleep as much as I just need to be laying down; I can read and listen to music and pray.  I plan my days carefully: when I have an appointment–medical or otherwise–I plan my nap and medication schedule around it so that I can have energy to do it well.  When my energy gives out, I melt back and retreat to my own quietude.

The quietude is okay; there are times in my Regular Mommy Life that quietude sounds like heaven, so I am trying to embrace it.  I miss my regular life, but I am breathing in all this time I have to myself with the hope I can store it up and savor it when I need it.  Brad continually props me up and he is amazing.  After I tell Brad I’m going to nap, or rest, or generally do nothing, he high fives me and tells me, “Awesome!  You’re doing a great job.”  It’s one thing for him to give me space and time to heal, yet it is another for him to make me feel like a Chemo Rockstar.  And he does–every single time I talk to him throughout the day.  I love my husband.

I pop in and out of my life as my energy allows.  I no longer know how long it takes Greta to fall asleep at nap time, or whether Maren has started her weekly homework, or whether we need laundry detergent.  However, these things are just logistics, and they do not carry great weight.  I’m so grateful to SuperGramma to take those burdens away right now–I just cannot carry them.  Maren and Greta have adjusted to Surgery/Chemo Mommy, and they are resilient and strong and brave.  We still have magical moments together; I’m using medicine and all the energy I have to make the moments I have with my people matter.  If I only have ten minutes, I try to make it a great ten minutes.  And, it is enough.  I know it is enough.

I used my good hours today for a visit to the Oncology office for blood work.  The nurses tell me that I should start bouncing back soon, and they are full of tips and tricks to make it easier.  Hopefully I’ll be out of the Red Chemo Haze soon and back to being Fun Jen and Normal Mommy for a few weeks before the next round!

 

24 comments

  1. newbiefriend /

    Jen sorry that this chemo is giving you such fatigue. But you are right it is making those cancer cells (if there are any) feel just as bad. I think about you often throughout each day, I will add extra prayers for good moments in each day. Hang in there you chemo rock star!!!

  2. Oh, Jen, I completely empathize with you through this time of extreme fatigue… I’m just so glad you have such an incredible family and amazing support system surrounding you. Many virtual hugs heading your way, and best wishes for a speedy return to being your Normal Mommy self!

  3. Was so nice seeing you today. I only wish it was under different circumstances. Yet I chose to believe that God had a plan in placing some of the most phenomenal people in my life….in chemo. room.
    Bless you,
    Tonja

  4. Jen, I read your entire blog the first day I met you….in the chemo room. You were so friendly and welcoming me as a first-timer. Since then ive kept up with your blog—-quietly cheering you on, shedding tears at your bravery, and praying for your 48 1/2 + more years. You have been an inspiration to me and I will keep cheering for you and praying for you. You are a gem of a gal!!!

  5. Soak up that quietude, rest in the shower when needed (I used a $5 patio chair in mine last year, it was a huge help), and may red chemo continue to kick cancer’s butt!
    ♥ Gentle hugs to you and your amazing support system, too.

  6. Holding you up to the Universal Healing Power and knowing that Red Chemo will wipe out its intended targets and you’ll feel better soon. I love that your girls have assimilated Super Grandma into life at home so easily. Know you are thought of each day.

  7. Praying!

  8. I love hearing how Brad loves on you and encourages you and how it feeds your soul. It brings a smile to my face. My circumstances are different but after the last couple years me and my kids went through, I can speak to the resiliency of kids. It’s mind blowing to watch as we as adults just don’t have it. As the mom of 12 year olds and a high school sophomore as well as walking similar journeys with friends of varying degrees, I can also say from a resiliency standpoint the younger the better. I’m praying childlike resiliency for you and all those around you in your support system.

  9. Jen, only you could put a positive spin on the crappy Chemo effect by now calling it “quietude”. Many of us would be wallowing in our misery (and rightfully so), but you’re remaining optimistic. It’s that incredible attitude that will allow your brain to heal your body. It’s not a farfetched notion! Being surrounded by a loving family is an added bonus. Top it all off with an awesome husband…well if you were into horse-racing…that would be a trifecta!!! Jen, I hope you’re allowing a few moments to cry now and then. That allows a way for the toxins to be purged…it’s not a sign of self-pity. It’s a necessity. Karen’s idea of a plastic patio chair is brilliant. Sit in the shower, cry a little, then follow it up with a happy song! That’s all part of doing each day well :) Meanwhile, I’ll continue doing what I can do best…praying. ♥p

  10. Tiffany Green /

    Praying, praying, praying for you! You are so strong and such an inspiration. Definitely savor the quiet times and as God tells us, “Be still and know that I am God.” He’s carrying you through this Jen…He’s got this!

  11. Heather Rose /

    Press on cancer warrior! You are indeed a chemo rockstar.

  12. You are awesome, Jen! You are even doing chemo and exhaustion and nausea well. And your husband is awesome too. You made an awesome choice when you picked him! I am still praying for you from SE Ohio. May He hold you in the palm of His hand today and always.

  13. ohiofishergirl /

    Sending our love and hoping the red chemo haze leaves soon. Lauri & Dale

  14. Marsha Vonderwish /

    I remember those days when I did not have the strength to stand. My hubby would help me to the shower. While he stood on the other side to make sure I did not fall. (We do have a built-in seat but that was no sure bet that I would not slide down!) And the days I had to crawl to the bathroom because I could not walk. Now a dozen years later I’m still here! I’ve seen my sons grow up and start families of their own.

    My hubby & I pray for you and your family. God is using you greatly little lady!

  15. Bless you dear Wrecking ball friend. You do this so well. You are a super hero to me.
    “Courage us not the absence of fear but the triumph over it. The rave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he so conquers the fear”
    ~Nelson Mandela
    Thinking of you many times a day!

  16. That should say BRAVE man…
    😉

  17. This post reminded me of my daily calendar quote for Thanksgiving Day –
    Be happy in the moment, that’s enough. Each moment is all we need, not more.
    Mother Teresa

    I believe you are living up to this ideal in the most grandest of ways. As I continue to pray for you and your family if you could please send a prayer up for my husbands Aunt who is having her PET today.

  18. Rebecca /

    Hugs, love, and high fives!

  19. Emily Sommer /

    Praying Red Chemo will do its job really well. Praying you get lots of rest and that the few moments you have with your family are so special.

  20. Sharon /

    Jen, have you considered writing a book called “and tomorrow will bring….” I have read several inspirational books, and none hold a candle to the thoughts you share with us via this blog. You refer to your mom as supergramma, which she is, but you, my dear, are a supermom and beyond. Keep the faith. Sharon

  21. Bonnie J /

    It is so hard to take this all in !! You are in our thoughts and hearts – praying continually for peace, rest and courageous strength. Praying that the Lord lifts you up on Eagles wings and that your good bursts of energy increase in duration. Sending you aBIG HUG Jen. Love you dearly..

  22. Sharon Hajek /

    Sounds like you and God are wrapped together in bubble wrap. It may be hazy in there but oh so cozy. Praying without ceasing. Believing!

  23. kathy swim /

    Hang in there dear one, you know it’s worth the fight! We’re praying hard up here in Chicagoland and sending you healing energy!

  24. Jen, I do not personally know you, but am praying for you along with your other sisters in Christ. Be encouraged, I know of a 20 year old young woman who fought cancerous tumors on her brain for 2 years and WON! She is totally cancer free today and for 4 years!