Me + no hair = (Still) Me
Conversation between Maren and I @ 7:30am today:
Bouncing from one foot to the other in excitement, Maren says, “Mom, when can we go to Phenom’s house?”
Putting lotion on my face, “I have to finish getting ready, then we have to wake up Greta, then I was thinking I would feed Greta so Phenom doesn’t have to, then we can go.” I finish with the lotion, and realize my “hair” is “done.” Talk about efficient.
Whining, “Nooooo, I want to go nooooow. I’ve been waiting, and waiting.” (For all 23 minutes since she woke up.) “I’ve been so patient Mom.” She’s actually batting her eyes at me.
Quietly, I am delighted she is so eager to go to Phenom’s house, and her enthusiasm makes me feel better about my new job and the girls’ transitions. “We’ll see Maren.” Try to change subject, “Hey, do you want to help me pick out a hat or a scarf today? What do you think I should wear? Come look.” We walk into my closet.
Decisively she says, “I don’t think you should wear any-fing (anything) Mom.”
Looking at her in surprise, “Really? Just go like this?” Indicating my bare, bald head.
“Yes. I fought (thought) you were going to look like a boy, but you don’t look like a boy.” She is studying me, and shrugging, “You just look like you with no hair.”
I grin, foolishly. “Thanks Maren, that was a really nice thing to say to Mommy.” Cue biiiig hug; me blinking away tears of relief that she is okay, her wiggling to get away because she doesn’t know it’s a moment for me. Forty-eight hours after the big buzz, she is used to it. And she knows that really, nothing has changed. I’m still me, I’m just me with no hair. It is exactly how I feel about having no hair. Leave it to my four-year-old to tell me how it is in simple speak.
In a two-minute conversation in my bathroom this morning, Maren showed me just how strong, and resilient, and beautiful she is. My biggest worries about life with cancer are being laid to rest, repeatedly. I am doing this. We are doing this. We are, I think, I hope, doing it well. Our faith and strength are growing. I like to think it is the faith and the love that are strangling the cancer cells and shrinking the tumors. Be gone cancer, vanish cancer, melt away cancer; in Jesus’ name I pray.