How am I feeling?

Apr 01

I am feeling weebly, wobbley, woozy, and wugged, in the spirit of Dr. Seuss.  Trying to label my feelings, my twinges, my aches: they just sound like whining rather than reporting or sharing.  And, I’m not whiney (believe me, I have two young children, I know what whining sounds like.)  So, I borrow from Seuss and his whimsy.  I am looking after myself to the best of my abilities, and leaning on God to take care of the rest.

Chemo and I, we are on the same team; I won’t complain about my teammate.  I feel thankful that chemo is ravaging the cancer cells.  Bwahaha cancer!  We’re going to get you!

Maren came in this morning while I was thick with sleep saying something about an english muffin for me.  I wish I had been able to to tune in for that conversation.  She, lover of Pop Tarts and donuts, does not understand why an all-powerful grown-up would choose to eat anything besides junk food.  We talk about it most mornings and how we need to eat healthy things so that we can have strong minds and strong muscles.  So, she was speaking my language this morning: coming to offer me what she thought I would want, rather than what she would want.  I smile now, realizing how tender and sweet my little love is.  Our daily conversations and shared moments, they matter.  My job is to keep making those moments happen.  That, my friends, sounds do-able.

My little family is out running errands; my plan is to get ready for the rest of this day, maybe squeeze in one more nap, and to be primed for snuggles and giggles and moments that matter when they return.  It sounds like a pretty great Sunday to me.

29 comments

  1. Debbie /

    Thinking of you today and hoping you can care for your family the way a mother wants to.

  2. Sue Nitz /

    Jen, your family is so lucky to have you for a mom!! I am going to continue to storm heaven with prayers on your behalf! Laugh today! It is another good medicine.

  3. Tami /

    “Answer me when I call to you, O my righteous God. Give me relief from my distress; be merciful to me and hear my prayer.
    ~Psalm 4:1

  4. Tami Graham /

    Hey Jen, I am one of Tara’s friends from OSU. We have interacted a handful of times from bridal showers, baby showers and birthday parties. Anywho, you have stirred my soul, and my husband and I are praying mighty prayers as well. Your reflection of Jesus shines brightly. With love, Tami Graham

  5. Came across your blog today. Will be praying for you in the days to come from Morocco. May God bless you and keep you.

  6. Praying from Portland with my wonderful family for a wonderful day for you with your family. Cheers to the moments that matter.

  7. I am thinking of you tonight from my Island home in Canada. I have to say that I don’t pray very often and probably I am rusty but I will pray for you. As mothers we see miracles every day in our children, and I think with the love and support of so many you can count on a miracle in your own life as well. Sending positive thoughts…

  8. Still praying for you!

  9. Jenn t /

    Many prayers for you from Maine! Your mothers heart has touched mine. You are fierce and strong!!! Another stranger loving you and holding you and our littles in the Light.

  10. Angela /

    Jen I continue to hold you and your family in prayer. May the rocky road ahead be made easier by our most powerful and awesome God!

  11. Nancy /

    I pray that your family time today enveloped you with warmth and coziness.
    “Be faithful in the SMALL things because it is in them your strength lies.” (Mother Teresa)
    Many blessings, Nancy.

  12. Lisa /

    Praying from Des Moines. You can beat this. Remember to accept help that is offered. This is not the time to be superwoman. Someone wants to scrub your floors? Let them,

  13. erin /

    We both said a prayer for you again tonight!! Keeping you in our thoughts!! X0

  14. You are doing a great job juggling everything. I hope you are able to take time to relax and pamper yourself too.

  15. Rachel /

    Continuing to pray for you! Thank you for sharing your journey–I enjoy your writing and appreciate your insight. You and your precious little girls (I have two as well….3 & 5) are covered in prayer. Your story makes ME enjoy the moments that matter more than I was.

  16. maria Olivia /

    yes.. That´s a wolderful Sunday ..you have Love in your Life … Thinking of you .. lots of love. X Maria

  17. Sandy Powell /

    Favourite entry so far cuz, keep laughing. x

  18. Sweet Jen – I got behind on reading your posts because I had the craptastic strep throat last week. Not cool. Now, I realize that people may read that and think “I can’t believe that lady is complaining to Jen about having strep.” I hope not, but i think they might. But, I know for years when I was ‘flat’ and pained, that i hated it when people said that. Hey man, if you have strep, that stinks! I hate that for you. Your pain is still valid just cause my pain kicks your pain’s butt. Anyway, feel free to read about my week of silence if you want, (www.carolineholzberger.com) I think it will bless you, especially in your silence of chair 15. Did you get my ridiculously long comment last time? I thought I was leaving you a private message, but instead, dorky me left you a ten inch comment for all to read. Nice. Anyway, I sort of picture us as friends now. You write like I write…a stream of consciousness, and so I feel like you are just chatting with me as we both multi-task on the phone and cleaning up the house. Precious one, I know what it is like to desperately wish you could just clean up the house like a normal mom. Jesus is SO proud of you for your heart. Do you know that?? That right this very minute He is standing up in heaven, elbowing the angel next to Him and saying, “You see that one, that’s Jen…she is mine. She’s one tough cookie. I’m just crazy about her!”
    I would love to hear back from you if you have time most precious Jen. Prayers to you new friend. Love, love – Caroline :)

  19. Erica Snipes /

    The battle is raging. Good will triumph. Great words. I love reading your posts, I love reading the comments to your posts. I feel like we’re all in this big “kicking cancer’s ass bubble”…some of us are cryers, some of us are true ass kickers and shed no tears, some of us are prayer warriors, bible verse sharers, and fellow stream of conscious-ness writers and thinkers. Whether we like you are fighting cancer directly (I love your thoughts about you and chemo being on the same team, by the way), or we are supporters, its important that we are all here. Doing what we do, thinking what we think, feeling what we feel. You are the “x” in the center of our big O, but we’re all here thinking, hoping, praying, that you consider us all a team of your BFFs just cheering you on! So, enjoy the prayers, the thoughts, the vibes, the tears and the fellow kickers of cancer’s ass. Know you and your family are loved by this incredible mix of people here…wow, that’s gotta be cool! Seriously, you got this!!

  20. hello from Idaho. I came across your blog from Glennon’s and I’m praying for you and your family. You are one awesomely strong woman. When i think of a person having joy through pain, your story is the first i think of. Praying for you.

  21. Julie /

    Whew! I’m caught up! Newest prayer warrior hot of the presses from Day 1 to Present, and ready for action! My sentiments from day 1 through today hold true, you are extraordinary, a hero among hero’s, and reason #25,783 that I love Momastery for connecting me to extraordinary women around the world, that I otherwise would not have the privilege of knowing and loving through their words and hearts!
    It’s an impossible thing this world, that just last week I attended a funeral for a beautiful 2.5 year old angel, and you going battle royal on cancer, and the millions of others waging war in their battles daily. What makes it possible is my mother friend that lost her child, and you, that stand in these impossible circumstances with supernatural grace, clinging to your faith with such tenacity, and the humility you exude throughout it all. Your humility might lead you to believe you are doing this for your family, and while that in and of it self is noble enough, you are doing this FOR SO SO SO SO SO MANY MORE, and THAT is GOD alive and well in this broken world of ours today, sending ONE to care for many. Your blog’s content is about sickness, but it breathes LIFE… Take THAT Devil…. You picked the WRONG Mama-jama (read like one bad (in the good way) mama-jama) to mess with, and while I’m not loving what you are doing to HER, I am LOVING what she is doing to you!!! Rock on wit-yo-bad-self Girl Friend, and kick some cancer ass to the curb, all the while spreading the “Good News” to the world. Love you, praying for you, and standing in awe of the Maker who created you!

  22. elle /

    Oh Darlin’ I don’t know you from Eve, but bless your heart and bless it a million times over. Thank you for your positivity, for blogging your every day struggle, for giving me a peek into your heart and aches and your life for reminding me that we all have struggles and troubles, and mostly, mostly of all for giving me the opportunity to Pray for you! To pray for you as your family fights cancer, to pray for you as your Chemo teammate scores goal after goal against the enemy, but also, like a little kid just learning the game accidentally runs the wrong way on the field and scores a few goals against you as well… Your chemo team-mate means well….

    This is an amazing and encouraging blog about cancer from a wonderful godly couple… should you need encouragement or to have a “me too” moment along the way don’t hesitate to look here http://liveabovecancer-terence.blogspot.com

    Praying for you as are many other Monkees along the way!

  23. Cyndi /

    Praying your weebly, wobbley, woozy, wuggedness subsides…and sending you a hug…

  24. Julie /

    Just checked on you via your blog this Monday evening, although I think I already posted on this yesterday I wanted you to know prayers went up today too.
    Julie + baby boy

  25. Meigan /

    Hoping days 3 & 4 aren’t too bad. Prayers for you and your family today!

  26. Marion /

    Jen,
    I am Marion, Claire’s mom (from preschool). Your mom may have told you this, but we saw them all at the park today. I saw a little girl that I thought looked like Maren, and sure enough, it was your pretty little girl! We were there with family visiting from New York, but once Claire realized who it was, she left them and went running off, hand in hand, with Maren. As we were leaving, I mentioned to your mom that we should have Maren over for a playdate sometime and I gave her my name and number. That is when she asked if I had heard what was going on and I had not. She quickly told me and gave me this blog address. Your writing is beautiful and an amazing testimony of your faith, the kind of mother you are, and the kind of woman that God has already made you. I would love to help you out in any way needed. Do you need me to take Maren to school or to bring her home? I am going there every day anyway. Would Maren like to come over for a playdate? Claire (and I) would love to play anytime! Please let me know or have your mom contact me (she has my number now). We live off of Hamilton Mason, so we are not far. Jen, you don’t know me yet, but I am praying for you daily. Marion
    pmesserle@cinci.rr.com
    PS – I have the cutest picture of Maren and Claire together that Julie took on a day that they were wearing the same dress! Adorable!

  27. Sarah /

    I stumbled across your blog (while on Momastery)…of course right before heading to bed…and well, I’ve now read all of your entries and would most likely have stayed up even later to read more. We may not know each other, but I will be praying for you…for strength, for healing, for renewed energy each day to spend time with your little ones, among other things. I just want to encourage you that your faith and your willingness to share it, in the midst of something that would terrify most, will have a profound impact on the lives of many. I also wanted to let you know that after reading your entries I have decided to go for a consultation that I have been putting off…unlike you I do have a large family history of cancer (breast and otherwise). It has been recommended that I have genetic testing done to determine if I carry the same genes and would then have several preventative measures taken if I do carry it. I have a son who is 18 months and I need to be as proactive as possible to ensure that I will be around for him! You are truly an inspiration and I will be checking back frequently to continue on with you in this fight and know how to pray for you more specifically. May the Lord bless you this day!

  28. Jessica /

    Went to bed thinking of you last night…thought of you in the shower this morning while I did a self breast exam in the shower. I am rejoicing with you in gladness that the Lord answered your prayers and you are metastisis free! My family and I will be praying for you in your battle. I’ve never posted on someone’s wall I didn’t know, but I’m a 34 year old mom of 4, and your story has really moved me. Thank you for being willing to share your journey!

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