All of this is just bamboozling. I’m bamboozled, Brad is bamboozled, my family, my friends. I think everyone I’ve ever known is bamboozled.
It is unexplainable. I am 32, I have no family history of cancer, I am otherwise healthy. Dr. Wonderful was poignant and thorough to tell me that there is nothing I did wrong, no choice I made, no product I ate. The cancer has been there, probably, for years: microscopic and undetectable. I had no reason to be suspicious: I have regular, annual physicals and OB/GYN appointments. I went in when I felt an anomaly. I did everything right.
I have a bamboozling faith. Since I was seventeen, I have simply known that there is a God the way I know that the grass is green and the sky is blue. Jesus, God, church, prayer, I’m into all of that, and I can’t explain it. My faith is genuine and fierce. Faith is a personal thing; I come from a family that is good–so good that there is an ache in the word. I have these amazing — bamboozling — fantastic blessings all around me. These, too, are unexplainable. It is what was designed for me for my life, with intent, with purpose.
My cancer and this faith, they are connected for me. I believe there is a battle between good and evil that plays out in trillions of ways every second all over the world. I have never been more aware of that battle now that I know what is raging inside of me. How can I accept the unexplainable blessings without accepting the unexplainable ugly? It is hard, but I will not waste energy asking, “why me?” It is so much more empowering to pray and hope.
So yes, I’m bamboozled, but I am prepared for this. There is no one I know who has a stronger support network ready for action.